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How does this even happen?

I wish I could understand.

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Today is day 1 of fasting.  So far I feel fabulous, not eating wont be a problem.  I hope I don't feel like crap at work tomorrow, day two is usually the hardest day when you are not yet in ketosis.  Work is always so hectic I cant afford to be in slow motion.  

I know people say fasting is dangerous and they are not mistaken but its also a great experience.  Your mind becomes clear.  You feel euphoric.  Your body naturally detoxes. Its the best way I know to break bad food addictions.  There are a great number of positives and if you take vitamins and get electrolytes you are actually fairly safe.

As it stands right now I can fast for over 40 days without risking my health due to weight... I guess that's what happens when you eat like a pig for months and months.  

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Day 1-5 down 7 lbs.

Day 1 479 cal
Day 2 646 (stupid munchies)
Day 3 348
Day 4 490
Day 5 403

Today 450

Do you know how strange it is to realize that you haven't looked at yourself in over a year? How do you not look at yourself once in over a YEAR! No wonder I've felt so invisible, its not like you can't see me I'm huge! I cant even write my weight right now because its so disgusting. I deserve the punishment. 168. I need to be normal sized by March- no slip ups allowed. I need to be down one size by xmas- no excuses.

Every time I want something bad all I have to do is look down and realize its been sitting on my waist since the last time I ate it.

For someone who hates pigs I sure do act very porky.....

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i guess all it takes is about a week alone to realize how worthless u really are. its no wonder ive gone to such extremes to gain attention.
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Dear journal.

OMG!!! like OMG. PLease let my concience stop me from doing something and stop him from doign something that we moth might regret later on. PLEASE. OMG, i like him <3

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I dont think he will ever understand what its like to just be thrown away by someone who you love so fucking much.

I dont think he understands what it means to have a best friend.

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down in the 120's and back in my size 2's

if only it were by will.

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i think im dying
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Fuck it. I dont even care anymore.
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I think i want to fast for xmas week. lets see how long this attempt lasts. :/
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