urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:bella_mi Violet Violet 2007-09-26T23:17:25Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:bella_mi:11432 2007-09-26T23:17:25Z 2007-09-26T23:17:25Z <lj-embed id="1" /><br /><br /><a href="http://www.yuwie.com/yuwie.asp?r=78170">http://www.yuwie.com/yuwie.asp?r=78170</a> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:bella_mi:11089 2006-11-30T04:14:23Z 2006-11-30T04:14:23Z i guess all it takes is about a week alone to realize how worthless u really are. its no wonder ive gone to such extremes to gain attention. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:bella_mi:11003 2006-02-14T03:58:26Z 2006-02-14T03:58:26Z Dear journal.<br /><br />OMG!!! like OMG. PLease let my concience stop me from doing something and stop him from doign something that we moth might regret later on. PLEASE. OMG, i like him &lt;3 urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:bella_mi:10723 2006-02-12T03:05:10Z 2006-02-12T03:05:10Z I dont think he will ever understand what its like to just be thrown away by someone who you love so fucking much.<br /><br />I dont think he understands what it means to have a best friend. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:bella_mi:10383 2006-01-15T15:32:30Z 2006-01-15T15:32:30Z down in the 120's and back in my size 2's<br /><br />if only it were by will. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:bella_mi:10171 2006-01-09T20:17:49Z 2006-01-09T20:17:49Z i think im dying urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:bella_mi:9781 2005-12-30T00:50:54Z 2005-12-30T00:50:54Z Fuck it. I dont even care anymore. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:bella_mi:9370 2005-12-18T02:40:39Z 2005-12-18T02:40:39Z I think i want to fast for xmas week. lets see how long this attempt lasts. :/ urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:bella_mi:8759 2005-10-18T03:12:43Z 2005-10-18T03:12:43Z im bingeing bingeing bingeing fucking BINGEing<br /><br />onyl because i know that my diet pills will be here in two days<br /><br />but still wtf<br />i look in the mirror and i want to die because im so bloated and round adn i eat?!!? <br /><br />wtf is wrong with me<br /><br />i want to purge so badly, help. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:bella_mi:8583 2005-10-03T04:05:34Z 2005-10-03T04:05:34Z I need a place to escape to. A safe haven.<br /><br />When i was at school, if i felt tempteto eat. Id give away my meal card and throw out all the food in my dorm. But now im at home. And i cant throw away the food, because my mom would freakin kill me. I need a place i can go to, when i feel like eating. But i dont have anywhere around here i can escape to. Sad really, I have so many friends but then... i dont really, no one who could save me from myself for a few hours, or days. <br /><br />Im doomed until i can afford an apartment.<br /><br />If i had an anorexic roommate, who wouldnt mind not having any real food in the house at all, life would be perfect right now. Id be able ot move out, and be able to be thin.<br /><br />Help me please :( urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:bella_mi:8389 2005-09-05T06:37:41Z 2005-09-05T06:37:41Z Ive been binging liek crazy, im going ot have to start purgin regularly to break myself out of the habit. That is the only thing that i hate more then i love eating... purging<br /><br />And i think im going to be deleting my account for a while... communities are disheartening urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:bella_mi:8190 2005-08-27T00:43:03Z 2005-08-27T00:43:03Z Poppop passed today :/ urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:bella_mi:7830 2005-08-16T03:44:45Z 2005-08-16T03:44:45Z Im everything that no one wants,im obsesively vain, full of emotional baggage, annoying as hell. Why cant they see through a pretty face and leave me the hell alone to rot away... :'( urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:bella_mi:7655 2005-08-10T22:21:11Z 2005-08-10T22:21:11Z mmk, so im working the next 10 days, no days off. Therefore, i will be following a workplace diet of<br /><br />breakfast: One eggwhite from a ahrd boiled egg 15kc<br />lunch: garden salad, sans tomatoe and cucumber 50kc<br />dinner: proten bar 270kc<br />snacks: diet pills<br /><br />totalling me at- 335kc daily<br /><br />updates on the damage to be posted on sunday august 20th or monday august 21st urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:bella_mi:7310 2005-08-03T06:19:35Z 2005-08-03T06:19:35Z Kinda hurts a lil, finding out that ur just not pretty -enough-, cool -enough-, to actually date a good looking, seemingly nice guy. But that is what i get for letting myself hope right? Guess i learned my lesson. <br /><br /><br />All i wanted was a simple "hey, i got ur message, :D" urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:bella_mi:6682 2005-07-02T16:04:01Z 2005-07-02T16:04:01Z Take me as a joke, i know you will anyways.<br /><br />I hate hate HATE him. Hes retarded i swear, or maybe thickheaded protecting a brain of rotten mush! <br /><br />Joe had the nerve to say to me last night, "You know, you may think i dont understand what youve been through, but i do. Not through me, but through someone close to me."<br /><br />Idiot! 1st- You dont even know what ive been through considering ive been as vague as humanly possibl ewith you and everyoe else ive told. 2nd- you couldnt possibly understand the feelings that accompany the experiencve unless youhave funcking been thorugh it yourself. Just because your mom has been through it means NOTHING.<br /><br />"And you know, not to put ur experiences down or anything, but hers was probably worse because it was an older man." So older men ar emore hurtful?! Let me ask you mister Idiot, How long did hers go on for, and what did he do to her? Does she have to have surgery to remove the scars from inside her too? I doubt it. But then again. Nothing happened to me nothing enough to warrant the way I am. And the fact that my first real boyfriend I allowed myself to have raped me... well thats just laughable!! <br /><br />Thankyou Joe, thankyou for putting my life in perspective for me with your mother's touching story, the details of which i bet you dont even know.<br /><br />/life as i know it urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:bella_mi:6469 2005-07-01T19:06:59Z 2005-07-01T19:06:59Z My metabolism is waaay up and i have 30 lbs till my next goal. <br /><br />First of the month and time to get it going.<br /><br />Since ive recently found that i can stand eating these foods evryday without getting sick of them, the new plan is:<br /><br />Cherios for breakfast.<br />Lowcal Yogurt for lunch.<br />White rice for dinner.<br /><br />&hearts; urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:bella_mi:6296 2005-06-24T04:09:33Z 2005-06-24T04:09:33Z You know, i almost wish sometimes, that i had never discovered the world of vanity. Being fat and not caring about it might have been worth the happiness urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:bella_mi:6115 2005-06-16T06:46:56Z 2005-06-16T06:46:56Z I think i need to see a doctor, i am INSANE. But i dont want to go, in fact, id rather die than go. So do i tell mom or what? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:bella_mi:5663 2005-06-06T19:21:31Z 2005-06-06T19:21:31Z I love how my siste rlikes to boost my self confidence. Yesterday she was so excited that we could share clothes (since ive been wearing hers). And today when she comes in she yells at me to take off her pants before stretch them out. I must look really fat if she thinks im going to stretch out her clothes.<br /><br />no dinner. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:bella_mi:5455 2005-06-06T00:47:19Z 2005-06-06T00:47:19Z Hearing from people i havent seen, that ive lost so much weight, and that i look great is so depressing. If only they knew how weak i am, how much thinner i could be right now if i didnt give in to temptation so easily. I wonder how thin i would actually be right now if i was the type of person who never gave up or gave in. I bet id be perfect.<br /><br />I was listening to my sister talk about her eating habits today. She sounds liek a COE, eating 1000+ calories at one sitting and still being hungry. Im happy that she is so active, enough so that she doesn't gain weight from her eating. It made me think about my eating though. Ive been eating way too much of really bad foods. im going ot have to start throwing up my meals if i dont want to gain weight, and restricting if i want to lose any. Ive become lazy. Summer break does not mean -get fat-. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:bella_mi:5255 2005-06-03T03:30:30Z 2005-06-03T03:33:16Z I dont feel very well at all.<br /><br />Ive been dizzy and nauseaus for a few days now. And so weak... i keep dropping stuff, its like i lose control over my muscles at inoportune moments. My vision is at least three times worse than normal. Tonight while watching a movie i started to feel hungry, for no reason at all (because i shouldn't have been, i had a banana about a half hour b4) and then out of no where it turned into this strange uncomfortable feeling and eventually into a sortof like charlie horse in my stomache. It hurt so bad and i couldnt move, i felt like my stomach would tear apart if i did. My migraines (little lightening bolts) still havent gone away and im noticing more and more random bruises all over me. Im a little bit worried but i dont want to see a doctor because im worried ill be told that my eating habits are the problem. Im fat enough as it is, i cant afford to gain any weight just so that i am "healthy". I really don't know what to do.<br /><br />:-\ urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:bella_mi:5046 2005-05-29T04:50:05Z 2005-05-29T04:50:05Z Ive spent so much time faking a smile, that i cant cry about the things i should be able to without cutting.<br /><br />I dont understand why i go through the shit i go through, what ive done to deserve it?<br /><br />Why does a child deserve 8 years of sexual abuse, only to not be able to trust until near <br />adulthood and be hurt again!!<br />There has to be a reason that someone would hrt someone else like tha for so long. There has to be a reason a mother's instinct would tell he rsomething is wrong but she would ignore it. There has to be a reason why i was trapped in that situation.<br /><br />Why are the most clear memories of a father full of fear and hurt?<br />I can remember being pushed into a dresser face first out of frustration. I can remember watchinghim violently stabbing luggage iagining it was her. I can remember him holding her almost all the way out of the window, and holding us hostage in the house. I remember phone calls with threats of leaving forever, because we are nto worth the 200$ he ows. <br />I cant remember all of the "good times" we had together.<br /><br />Why am i stuck loving someone who cant even remember that i exist?<br />Why would a father, claim to love his daughter so much, yet refuse to see her or even call her. Why would he just pretend that she deosnt exist.<br /><br />Why do i cry when i see myself?<br />Why isnt it enough that ive been through so much already. Why do i have to starve myself, to constantly hurtmyself in some way, purging, pill popping, cutting. Why cant i love myself?<br /><br />Why cant i love the people who love me?<br />Why do i have to hurt the people around me, by not being able to love them. Why ami forced to do the one thing i hate so much? hurt.<br /><br />Why couldnt i have died that friday night b4 chistmas... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:bella_mi:4642 2005-05-27T03:22:10Z 2005-05-27T03:22:10Z I want to die. But i want to fix everything ive messed up first. Im so sick of being forgiven... i don't deserve it, i never deserve it. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:bella_mi:4515 2005-05-26T02:43:10Z 2005-05-26T02:43:10Z Well im home now.<br /><br />But its not my house, it our new house. They have been living here for about a month, but i havent ever lived here. Im nto comfortable, i feel like i dont belong. I feel fat. Im afraid t eat, i dn't know what im allowed to eat, what will keep me frm gaining weight. Im just so... scared.<br /><br />I dont belong here.